Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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