i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
