And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
