While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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