I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
What drink are we having for lunch?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
