I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
