I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
