Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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