Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
