I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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