It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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