you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
