When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
