woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You are the jesus of drinking
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
