Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last time i carry you out of a forest
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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