The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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