so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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