and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
