I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
