i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
