His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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