i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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