Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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