Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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