I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
