Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
