god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
