you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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