Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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