I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Everyone says I win the strip club
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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