I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
