I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
