I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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