I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
