life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
