im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
