Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
