I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
