her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I got chris browned last night
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
