his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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