When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
