Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
