My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
