Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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