Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
