I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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