she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
