fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Randomize
