im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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