you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
