I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
