Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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