just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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